The Calm

We’re coming into what I like to think of as the calm before the storm. Four years ago in early September, I found out I was pregnant. We weren’t trying, we hadn’t even thought it was possible at that moment, and we were totally unprepared. BUT I was excited and overwhelmed. Around this time I had a scare, I started bleeding heavily. Luckily I got in to see a doctor and at just 6 weeks old, I saw Austin’s heartbeat for the very first time. It was magical, and in that moment I fully accepted that I was going to be a mom. I promised that little heartbeat I would love it, that I would spend every day teaching him or her how to be the best them they could be. I prayed daily for health and for myself, that I would find the strength to be a good mom, even at just 21 years old. It was a hard beginning of pregnancy, I was sick all the time, and as fall slowly took over, we told family and friends. For that first half of pregnancy, for the holidays, and into January, everything seemed good! Great even. And now, every year since, this is the calm. Even with Chantry to distract me, I can feel the storm building slowly ahead of us. The months that will always be the storm season for me. Full of memories and hurt and joy, the storm that wrecked my life, and remade me. It’s coming, and it always will be, but for these months, I’ll live in the calm, and remember a time when I was just so excited to be pregnant and carrying a little soul that I dreamed of raising as my own. Even though that didn’t come to pass, and that soul now lives in a different realm, I will remember these months of joy fondly, and try to ignore the storm that will soon break all over again.

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