Tiny

Austin was tiny. The kind of tiny you can’t really comprehend unless you’ve felt it. 2 pounds 11 ounces is just words until you realize that this teddy bear, that is no taller than the willow tree figurine it sits next to, was almost the same size as him. Most of the time I forget how small he was, because at the time he was my only baby, I didn’t think about it much until I had Chantry. We are told constantly about our tiny little girl, born at 6 pounds 15 ounces. She’s in the second percentile and everyones always asking about her weight or how old she is since she’s so advanced, but so tiny.
She seemed like a giant to me. Even now as she sleeps (finally) I am in awe of the fact that that she is tall enough to pull anything off the coffee table she wants to. she stands and laughs and when she wants to get somewhere really fast she crawls like the wind.

I miss him every single day, and Chantry still seems like a dream most days. It’s a dance really, going around the missing and the dreaming and the what ifs and the “just keep living”.

Maybe it’s all becoming too redundant to you, three years since I began writing here, and I don’t have any new memories to share about him, because the memories with him ended in May, 2015. But writing makes me feel like he’s still a part of this, because he’s a part of my every day. I hope sometimes he’s a part of yours.

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4 thoughts on “Tiny

  1. My dear cousin, you Are making beautiful memories with him and Chantry! He is in every single moment of every single day. He is there playing just beside her. He is her smile while she looks up at you and smiles that big beautiful grin. He is the breeze that blows your hair. He is the sunlight that kisses your faces each morning. He is all around you and he is in your heart. She will grow up with him being as real as any other sibling… he is her older brother. She will not ever question that. He is in every moment and every memory you make. The human mind may limit our understanding of Gods infinitely glorious heaven that awaits us but Austin is living it and if you close your eyes and listen with your heart you will feel him and know he is not gone… not even close to gone. He is growing and learning and making memories with you and when we are no longer bound by Earthly chains and can understand Gods eternity he will be able to show you all the memories he has with you, Thomas, and Chantry. His tiny earthly body held a heart so precious and so full of Gods light that he left an imprint so big on this world it cannot be erased- not by time- not by death- not by anything!

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  2. There will never be a day I don’t want to hear about our beloved one. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are brave and strong and true.

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  3. I love reading about your memories. I’ve told you about the circumstances around Cody’s birth. It was 24 years ago but in my mind the memories are as vivid as if it were yesterday. Tiny isn’t a bad thing. Cody was 1# less than Austin @ his birth and look at him now. When Cody was in 2nd grade they changed the weight requirements for moving from a car seat to a booster seat. He didn’t meet the requirements but there was no way I was going to get him back into a car seat. He informed me that there were no 2nd graders still in car seats. I never paid attention to the percentiles. As long as my kids were progressing I was happy. I haven’t had the opportunity to meet Chantry yet but from your pictures she is just precious.

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  4. Precious Hope, I love your words. Austin’s presence is always with us. My heart holds him close and dear. His size does not measure the impact he made in our lives. He lives through you and Thomas and beautiful Chantry. Never stop talking about Austin. Your words are a continual melody to dance with him to.

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