February

This month has seemed shorter than most of the February’s I’ve experienced. Technically, we’re only about halfway through but I think the next 16 days will go just as quickly as the first 12 did.

This month began with a million questions. Questions like what is amniotic fluid? How low is too low? What is causing this? What is the survival rate for  a baby with less than 3 centimeters? And does my baby have a chance?

We recieved the answers two days ago and have been absorbing and praying ever since.

Our baby has no kidneys. This is a lethal diagnosis. Meaning the doctors have no hope for survival. They called it some fancy something but I don’t remember enough to be able to tell you the medical name for this. At 21 weeks our first option that was never really on option for me was terminating the pregnancy. The second option and what we will be doing is continuing the pregnancy as is. I have been permanently transferred to a fetal care specialist in San Diego and will continue regular appointments with her. Each will include an ultrasound to see how baby is growing and make sure there are no other problems. Since the amniotic fluid is so low we have not been able to determine the gender, but we had a blood test done and should know by the end of next week or so. If all goes well our baby will continue to grow until we come to term. At which point we will deliver and plan for comfort care to help her or him be as comfortable as possible for the little time we will have with them. With this defect it is also a possibility that the baby’s heart could stop beating at any point between now and 40 weeks. If that is the case we will deliver whenever that occurs.
Our baby also has a heart murmer that we will be getting checked out this Tuesday. Our specialist is not too worried because she says this can be quite common and will most likely work itself out. We have had a blood test done to try and determine a cause for the kidneys not growing. We will know more at our next appointment in March.

As you can imagine this week has been devastating. I am at a loss. I find comfort in knowing the Lord is never lost. This is an impossible situation and yet we know through him all things are possible. We will, and we hope all of you will, continue to pray for a miracle. We all know he can, and if he doesn’t then we all know there is an eternity after this that I will get to spend with this little one. I am scared of these next few months and the grief that will come with the joy of having this beautiful baby inside of me. Pray for Gods peace to stay with me through this. Pray that Thomas will have strength when I fail. Pray for our young marriage. This is so much more than we ever thought we would go through. We were ready for war, and yet this is a whole different battle. Pray for us.